When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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