shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
