ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Someone came in the potted fern
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
