Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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