i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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