im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
4 words: hood of his car
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
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