Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I want her autograph on my taint
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
