I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
