I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
