You don't have asthma, your pregnant
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
