the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Randomize
