I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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