do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
