just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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