I'm so fucking centered right now
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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