My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
