he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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