Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
