cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
