I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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