You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
