He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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