ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
