Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
