I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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