so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
