There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Randomize
