So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize