i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
and she was petting her beer can
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
