I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
