my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Randomize