we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
