Apparently you make a good broom.
You can't special order awesome
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Randomize
