i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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