the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
