at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
