Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize