apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
