Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I'm bleeding and have questions
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
