I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize