went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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