im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
