just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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