If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
