the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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