she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We talked him into tasing himself.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Randomize