Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize