You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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