walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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