There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
