my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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