dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
