She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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