I can tuck mytits in my pants
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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