Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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