Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Success! We fucked roommates!
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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