You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
