I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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