god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
