What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
