Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
