I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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