He passed out mid-signature
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
