also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Randomize
