the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize