i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
