so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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