We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
