the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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