She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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