every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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